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Men often ask me how to approach or flirt successfully with women in public settings like weddings, parties, bars, or clubs. Successfully connecting with women, today more than ever, must be done in a safe yet masculine manner. I recommend a very different approach than the heavy-handed norm. Most women have heard just about every pick up line and corny come-on, so forget about that garbage completely. 

Success begins before you even leave home. Take time to prepare yourself physically, mentally, and energetically with these visualizations. 

  1. Start by turning up the volume on the energy in your pelvis and your heart simultaneously. Dropping energy into your pelvis and testicles puts you into your masculine. While connecting to your heart allows you remain approachable.
  2. Ground and center yourself by visualizing energetic roots glowing and growing from your core out the base of your spine. Visualize connecting these energetic roots with the roots of all the trees, plants, and flowers on the planet. Center yourself by putting attention on your core and then smile with your entire being.

When you arrive at your location, access your energetic roots and core once more. Imagine yourself as grounded and solid as a massive oak tree. Harness, build, and preserve your energy by making every single movement count and activate the energy of joy by putting an authentic smile on your face. Remember that it takes only 17 muscles in your face to smile and 43 to frown.

Your energy is your most precious and powerful commodity. Be intentional with each and every movement, every step and every word. 

Powerful, confident men do not need pick up lines or pick-up artist tactics like negging (a horrible and demeaning type of relating). Rather than walking up to women uninvited with cheesy small-talk or even asking if you can buy them a drink, I propose a less intrusive and more unique approach that allows you to be more interesting while minimizing the risks of being annoying or experiencing rejection. 

You are there to provide her a safe and alluring interaction not to take from or trick her into giving you her attention. 

When you are calm, collected, centered and fully present you become magnetic. This is more about your energy than your looks or clever banter. 

Pay attention to your self-talk. Instead of asking internal questions like, “How can I impress her or get her in bed?” Consider how you can help her enjoy herself. 

Make eye contact, smile and say hello to give her the opportunity to engage. If she doesn’t deepen the interaction, don’t let it phase you. If she chooses to engage with you, become curious about her and ask questions that she will enjoy answering. Offer her a genuine compliment, but be mindful not be overly aggressive, needy, or assuming. Allow everything to unfold naturally and refrain from asking for a phone number or where she works until you are confident that the connection is real.

Consider asking about where she grew up and if she has siblings. You might ask about her profession and where she went to school. Avoid topics like religion or politics. Build your conversation based on her answers. Follow the energy she is offering. In order to do that you need to be an active listener. This means you’re not judging her answers or rehearsing what you might say next. It is helpful to absorb and repeat her answers inwardly before moving on. Keep it simple and be yourself. No hurry or stress. 

It may look something like this:

“So Becky, what was it like growing up in Santa Barbara with three sisters?” 

“Are you the youngest?” 

“Did you ever wish that you had a brother?”

“I hear the beaches there are amazing, did your family spend much time at the beach?”

Only talk about yourself if she asks a question. Be direct and truthful and keep your answers short and sweet. 

BONUS: If you are comfortable dancing ask her to dance. If you are not comfortable dancing, that should be on your TO DO ASAP list. Men who are comfortable in their bodies are much more attractive than those who aren’t, and dancing is a great way to build body-comfort. There are dance studios everywhere. Take group classes or private lessons if you prefer. You could try a hip hop class, or learn partner dancing like swing or salsa.

But, what’s most important is to always be yourself: the best version of yourself, the most present, joyous, centered, grounded, curious, intentional, masculine, loving, kind and considerate version of yourself.

This may take practice, so be patient with the process and with yourself. Have fun and enjoy the process.